Now & then..
Thursday, May 22, 2014 ♡ 5:24 AM
One of those sleepless nights... you know when you're tired but you can't fall asleep, its like your mind won't shut off.
I don't know why but every time I can't fall asleep I always seem to think about the past.. memories.. the people, good and bad times. I've been looking through some old pictures and I realized pictures never change, only the people in them do. I miss them so much... my childhood friends, my used to be bestfriend.. you know, the people that are no longer in my life.
I wish I could go back to yesterday, when things were so simple.. when happiness was eatting a freezy in the sun, when the only pain we felt was bruises and scratches, I feel like as life goes on.. happiness is so hard to find, and it's not as simple as it used to be, now the only pain that can kill us is heartache.
Sometimes I wish it was possible to go back in time so I can fix all my mistakes, cherish all the good times and un-do all the bad times, not saying that I had the best childhood because I really didn't.. but atleast I know I didn't need a reason to smile.
I remember when I was a little girl, all i played with was cars, robots, airplanes... boy toys but suprisingly those were the best times. Then I discovered to play with dolls, princess, castles ... pretty things thats when I realized, this is who I am... felt like I was a lonely princess living in a castle waiting for my prince charming lol, but as I grow up I learned that things don't fall from the sky.. prince charming, pretty white horse .. those things only happen in fairytales.
I can't lie until now, I still have hope that it's true.. well not actually finding your prince charming but finding someone who loves you with all their heart, true love.. I believe it does exist.
I don't know if I can say I've found my "Prince charming" but I know i've found love, It came to me when I least expected, the weakest, and hopeless.. I met my soulmate.
I don't wish for this to be like a fairytale because fairytale has endings and I don't hope for this to end, all my life I wish for someone who could put up with me, my negative traits.. super needy & princess - like... things about me that I can never admit to. Growing up being so isolated, I've turned cold as ice, and I never thought I would find someone that could bring the loving and warmth side out of me, I thought it was hidden so deep that it was impossible to be found. I finally found someone who would willingly hand me the world without a doubt, who never gave up on me, someone who put me as a priority, because I never believed in being an option. Even though life isn't as simple as it used to be, when happiness is based on a freezy but happiness to me now is making a home cooked meal, grocery shopping, late night drives & long walks around the park, or maybe I just turned into a grandma ahhahah. Even though life is not filled with rainbows & unicorns... but laughters and tears, atleast I know this happiness I feel is real.
Wednesday, April 30, 2014 ♡ 10:51 PM
Hi again, it's been a while.. last time i blogged was probably 5 months ago, i don't know what happened to all my posts D: aw well, its a new beginning anyways..
I don't quite remember what i wrote in my last post i think it was when i had a mental breakdown .. yeah, that day when i felt overwhelmed and just needed to cry for no reason lol gigi was deep asleep so i didn't wanna bother her, but yes i still remember that day when i told myself this is gonna be the last time i cry over K. I remember telling Michelle & Lynette that i was just getting my period soon so i felt emotional lol but I actually just didn't wanna talk about it. I didn't cry because I miss him or because I wanted him back matter of fact I was completely over him, I cried because of how much I hurted him I saw him and I feel so overwhelmed, looking at the person I used to care for so much, how could I have done so much to hurt him... The memories everything we went through together to me it was just a blur.. black and white images.. when did i become so cold, I guess because I held a grudge towards him all along. I just kinda hated myself for being too harsh towards him I guess i do have a heart after all.
brb, gonna go watch the game yay!
Ok, Im back now! the game was intense.. even though we only made it for half game it was fun.. haha i don't know why me & M always goes through these kind of situation but in the end everything always comes together.
So as i was saying, I don't miss K at all.. I just kinda think what I did to him was a little over board, I shouldn't have taken it that far.. our relationship was crazy I should've seen it from the start that it was gonna be a dead end. I guess just how stubborn I am, and I used to think that miracles could happen I believed in him, I thought if i was willing to give him all my love & trust I would recieve it back in return, but he dragged it on for too long.. too many lies & excuses even though his lies were just to keep me from getting mad but I still held it against him & when he was willing to give me the world and live up to his promise.. it was already too late I lost feelings, I tried to gain it back but thats when I realized the spot I had for him in my heart has closed, its no longer there for him all i had in me was pity. What I hate myself for is I made him live up to his promise but in the end I broke mine... I call it a revenge. It's kinda like when you break something no matter how to try to fix it it'll never be the same.
On the other end me and M has been together for 3 months now... I can't believe we made it through 3 months!! not because I don't believe in us but I didn't think I'd be in a serious relationship again for a while, I kinda lost hope & believe in people after being with K. I believed that a lie is a lie wether its a small lie or a big lie if they can do it once they can do it again. But suprisingly M has changed that, I learned to believe in people again.. I learned to have trust and open up and most importantly be myself. I know 3 months is not a long time but it's a good start its a step into a deeper relationship its when my heart decides that I actually do care for this person with no confusion. I've fallen in love with M .. its kinda crazy because I don't even remember how it felt to love someone until now haha guess cause i've turned cold for a while, but im not completely evil after all. M makes me really happy.. her stupidness, sillyness & crazyness sometimes makes me angry but at times those could be the cutest things about her. At first I kinda thought I loved her because she brought the warmth back in me.. I always wanted to be under a roof of a happy family & thats what she had I thought that was what keeping me safe in this relationship but I just don't know why ever since we dated alot of things started to happen... so crazy sometimes I don't even know how to handle it... Family, Money started to become an issue for us... but i guess thats what real relationships have to go through, kinda disappoints me because I loved her mom, I thought she was so sweet & cute just like my own.. but things changed, I have my full respect and everything for her but I don't feel as close to her as I used to, but on the other side I love her Aunt.. i hope that doesn't change. Even though I'm kind of stressing right now.. i've never had to stress over money & never had to think twice bout the things i want to buy but now i gotta start saving! sigh gonna be hard but I guess this is how you learn and grow. Each day I realize how much I care for M.. sometimes she frustrates the shit outta me but thats only cause i care.. if i don't i wouldn't even let it get to me.. and I know that for a fact. I've realized that i've changed alot lately... I don't go out as often maybe only once a week ahha, I became a grandma oooooh nooo! im kinda glad though because going out gets tiring sometimes, i'd rather stay home & cuddle and watch dramas and play games with M, we could be doing anything and i would still feel happy. I've never been like this with someone before.. its kind of different but i like it. Even though our relationship is not exactly how I want it to be but nothing is ever perfect right? I know one day we'll get there we just gotta learn & grow together and one day we'll make it.
