Hi again, it's been a while.. last time i blogged was probably 5 months ago, i don't know what happened to all my posts D: aw well, its a new beginning anyways..
I don't quite remember what i wrote in my last post i think it was when i had a mental breakdown .. yeah, that day when i felt overwhelmed and just needed to cry for no reason lol gigi was deep asleep so i didn't wanna bother her, but yes i still remember that day when i told myself this is gonna be the last time i cry over K. I remember telling Michelle & Lynette that i was just getting my period soon so i felt emotional lol but I actually just didn't wanna talk about it. I didn't cry because I miss him or because I wanted him back matter of fact I was completely over him, I cried because of how much I hurted him I saw him and I feel so overwhelmed, looking at the person I used to care for so much, how could I have done so much to hurt him... The memories everything we went through together to me it was just a blur.. black and white images.. when did i become so cold, I guess because I held a grudge towards him all along. I just kinda hated myself for being too harsh towards him I guess i do have a heart after all.
brb, gonna go watch the game yay!
Ok, Im back now! the game was intense.. even though we only made it for half game it was fun.. haha i don't know why me & M always goes through these kind of situation but in the end everything always comes together.
So as i was saying, I don't miss K at all.. I just kinda think what I did to him was a little over board, I shouldn't have taken it that far.. our relationship was crazy I should've seen it from the start that it was gonna be a dead end. I guess just how stubborn I am, and I used to think that miracles could happen I believed in him, I thought if i was willing to give him all my love & trust I would recieve it back in return, but he dragged it on for too long.. too many lies & excuses even though his lies were just to keep me from getting mad but I still held it against him & when he was willing to give me the world and live up to his promise.. it was already too late I lost feelings, I tried to gain it back but thats when I realized the spot I had for him in my heart has closed, its no longer there for him all i had in me was pity. What I hate myself for is I made him live up to his promise but in the end I broke mine... I call it a revenge. It's kinda like when you break something no matter how to try to fix it it'll never be the same.
On the other end me and M has been together for 3 months now... I can't believe we made it through 3 months!! not because I don't believe in us but I didn't think I'd be in a serious relationship again for a while, I kinda lost hope & believe in people after being with K. I believed that a lie is a lie wether its a small lie or a big lie if they can do it once they can do it again. But suprisingly M has changed that, I learned to believe in people again.. I learned to have trust and open up and most importantly be myself. I know 3 months is not a long time but it's a good start its a step into a deeper relationship its when my heart decides that I actually do care for this person with no confusion. I've fallen in love with M .. its kinda crazy because I don't even remember how it felt to love someone until now haha guess cause i've turned cold for a while, but im not completely evil after all. M makes me really happy.. her stupidness, sillyness & crazyness sometimes makes me angry but at times those could be the cutest things about her. At first I kinda thought I loved her because she brought the warmth back in me.. I always wanted to be under a roof of a happy family & thats what she had I thought that was what keeping me safe in this relationship but I just don't know why ever since we dated alot of things started to happen... so crazy sometimes I don't even know how to handle it... Family, Money started to become an issue for us... but i guess thats what real relationships have to go through, kinda disappoints me because I loved her mom, I thought she was so sweet & cute just like my own.. but things changed, I have my full respect and everything for her but I don't feel as close to her as I used to, but on the other side I love her Aunt.. i hope that doesn't change. Even though I'm kind of stressing right now.. i've never had to stress over money & never had to think twice bout the things i want to buy but now i gotta start saving! sigh gonna be hard but I guess this is how you learn and grow. Each day I realize how much I care for M.. sometimes she frustrates the shit outta me but thats only cause i care.. if i don't i wouldn't even let it get to me.. and I know that for a fact. I've realized that i've changed alot lately... I don't go out as often maybe only once a week ahha, I became a grandma oooooh nooo! im kinda glad though because going out gets tiring sometimes, i'd rather stay home & cuddle and watch dramas and play games with M, we could be doing anything and i would still feel happy. I've never been like this with someone before.. its kind of different but i like it. Even though our relationship is not exactly how I want it to be but nothing is ever perfect right? I know one day we'll get there we just gotta learn & grow together and one day we'll make it.
Wednesday, April 30, 2014 ♡ 10:51 PM